In the spirit of full disclosure and, even more so, a need to emotionally purge, I admit that Tuesday was a dark and ugly day. I had feelings, and they were not feelings I enjoyed feeling.
So that happened.
I know. I know you’re saying, hey, happens to the best of us. And this is true, but it was my day, so it was suckier for me.
It sucked in the way that is deep and mournful and so I listened to music that was melancholy and I didn’t answer my phone. When I did answer the phone I completely avoided honesty or any sort of transparency. Don’t judge.
Though I’m not sure it’s a scientifically proven method of mourning, it was effective and by the end of the evening (said mourning also included innocuous, anonymous swearing at other drivers and NCIS, which involves murder… good for the soul), I was feeling better, if not well.
By yesterday I was headed in the right direction but still had a bit of a lamentation hangover. I do not recommend it. Even to this moment there is a part of me not entirely myself. But here’s the deal;
First thing in the morning I scuttled into my car to take the man-cub to school and go off to my first appointment. It was then I got a big grin on my face and I felt… cared for.
The afternoon before, all full of pain and angst and the disappoint life inevitably sometimes brings us, I made myself stop and put gas in the car. A small act, but considering the way I was feeling, it was a bold move and one I was proud of.
When I turned they key of the car that next morning, I felt loved. Loved by the person that is always with me, and with a little practice, will always be there for me.
There’s no getting around the occasional dark day. In fact, if we only have them occasionally we’re doing rather well. And if we take the time to care for ourselves in deep and meaningful ways, those dark days won’t last so long.
There is emancipation in taking responsibility for how we feel. There’s a power to it that even the finest caregiver cannot grant us. And whether or not you choose to swear, watch blood and guts television or fill your car with gas, make sure you care for yourself in a way that is profound to you.
It’s the best way to feel loved, to feel well and ultimately to heal ourselves the best we can.
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